Carefree childhood.

Everyone says that the time back then was better. That we were fearless. We were careless.
But I don't think so.
I was that kind of child that feared a lot.
I was scared of being left behind and I was scared that people don't love me.
Was I weird? Maybe. It's not that I was that much different from everybody. I laughed like them. I played outside like them and I cried like them. But I was more scared than they were I guess.
When I was small I did not unterstand the adults. I did not understand what they expect from me. I just did what they asked for but I never saw what it was good for.
When my teacher once asked us to write our dreams down I said that I don't dream. Or at least that I can't remember them. My teacher was mad at me telling me that everyone dreams and that I shouldn't say strange things. So I made up a dream and wrote it down even though I never dreamed anything like that.
When I was in elementary school my teacher once told me that I was to kind. She said that I wasn't selfish enough at times. That was when we were to write down what we wish for. I wished for peace and freedom in the world or something like that. She said I was a selfless girl. I didn't understand that. I never was selfless.  I just didn't know what to wish for. A wish should not be wasted. That was what I've been thinking. So I wished for something big. I wasn't selfless. I did not think of all those poor people. I just thought that this kind of wish would be appropriate for the one in a life time change of making one amazing wish.

Was I a strange one? Am I still a strange one? I don't realy know. I don't know what everyone is thinking. I wonder what they wished for. I mean, what they REALY wished for. Not what they wrote down for the teacher to read.

Nack then when I was a little child I was selfish and scared and I wanted lots of attention from my parents. I wanted it so badly. But I did not want them to think badly of me so I acted out the loveable little good girl act. I did what they asked for. I just wanted to be noticed.
But somehow I wasn't able to keep up that act. I was tired of it and somehow I ended up the way I am now.
When I think back to my childhood I don't think it was carefree. I just wasn't able to understand what I understand nowadays.
Why does everyone think that childhood is the time of freedom and love and fun and all the things we wish for? A childs heart is big. A child do know what pain is. A child is NOT carefree. They understand. They feel sadness and pain and emptyness and lonliness. They do. We should not forget that. We should not built up an illusion like that.